Arguments - Not in Front of the Children?

How to Argue, Survive and Thrive.

Arguments and disagreements are a fact of life for almost everybody. It would be surprising if we could get through life without once feeling that we wanted to express a view or belief that differed to that of somebody else.

At Relate we often meet couples who proudly say something like "...but we never argue". That's fine, great! This usually means that they're either: incredibly similar and accommodating of one another; have worked out other ways of expressing and resolving differences; are unwilling or unable to argue and store their differences in the same place that they sore frustration and resentment.

Yes, arguments don't have to be bad and damaging to a relationship. They can be a force for good - provided they're made to work for the couple rather than against them.

Of course, we don't always choose to express our personal views though do we? We sometimes choose to avoid arguments. When you listen to the opinions of the man sitting in front of you on the bus it can seem a little easier to smile (or grit your teeth) and ignore it.

When loved ones are involved it can be a little trickier to simply ignore what we don't like. Maybe there's a practical impact for us, maybe there's an emotional impact; either way there does seem to be more momentum to speak and to voice the alternative opinion.

Arguments can crop up unexpectedly and sometimes they can be seen coming a mile off. I think we've probably all experienced that sense of tension, walking on eggshells, and the certainty that something has to give. Experienced from the other side that feeling is sometimes one of being ready to burst or just needing to say something.

Arguments and disagreements are a fact of life. Sometimes they happen because of misunderstandings, sometimes one or both parties are stressed or feeling disrespected, sometimes one person is just plain angry and wants a fight. There are many reasons why this situation occurs and there are different ways of handling it, some better than others.

Sometimes arguments happen because of misunderstandings, sometimes it's about stress, perhaps one of you is just wound up and angry after a bad day and wants a fight. There are loads of reasons why arguments and reasons might crop up and there are many different ways of handling it, some work better than others.

Even the word "argument" can conjure up thoughts and images of dangerous, out of control, conflictual, situations. What we learn about arguments when we are children can be a potent factor in how well or how poorly we manage arguments and disagreements as adults.

Part of growing up includes learning how to handle the inevitable disagreements and disputes. Learning about the negative side of life is an important skill to develop and take into adulthood.

Once a child starts school and then college and work, there will, no doubt, be many times when they meet someone who is rude, or disagrees with them or contradicts them. Being able to cope with this sort of situation without being devastated or traumatised by a negative response is a vital social skill and a major contributor to a person's emotional well being.

Children (and adults) can usually sense when something is wrong, particularly when it involves their own parents. Part of human survival is based on being sensitive to atmosphere, being alert to change that might signal danger and picking up signals from other people and situations. Since the majority of human communication is non-verbal tension and anger can readily be picked up at a sensory level by a child. Children tend to think that everything is about them, so if a parent is angry the child will often think that they have done something wrong even when it is nothing to do with them or their behaviour.

That's why it's often healthier for a child to see and hear their parents disagreeing in front of them. They will be more likely to understand what's happening when it is out in the open.

But of course this doesn't apply when arguments are violent, out of control and abusive. 

What sort of argument would you like?

In the main there are three main categories of arguments and disagreements.

Don't be too surprised if some of your arguments and disagreements are a mixture of more than one style. There aren't any rules that say that an argument has to work one way all through. Arguments do tend to rise and fall in intensity as people get angry and frustrated or as they get heard and satisfied.

Remembering these three styles may be a prompt to help to guide you towards at least attempting to get some of it onto a positive and helpful basis.

1) Destructive

Destructive disagreements are where emotions and personal attacks and insults are involved. Often raised voices and tempers are exchanged. These do not tend to resolve problems; in fact they often make them worse. These situations can fester and cause ongoing tensions, resentments and continual sniping, or maybe the total opposite, where long icy silences occur.

2) Respectful

A productive disagreement will bring problems and concerns into the open and will enable matters to be discussed and each party's' point of view to be heard and appreciated. This won't necessarily lead to a change of either person's mind, but not all arguments have to have winners and losers do they? Patience, tolerance and respect are important here.

3) Constructive

How would it feel if we replaced the word "disagreement" with "negotiation"?

Some disagreements can be constructive. They can clear the air and may well bring previously unspoken resentments out into the open. A constructive disagreement allows for both people to have their say and be respected and listened to. This then enables the situation to move forward and be resolved.

This sort of disagreement need not end with a total agreement over a single point of view. It may include a compromise which includes some parts of what each person wants.

So which of these three types of argument/disagreement sounds helpful and positive? All of them? None of them? More than one?

Which of these might feel most natural to you and is the style that you usually adopt?

Discuss it with someone, possibly your partner. Maybe you'll have different opinions on the "right" answer to these questions.

A Good Argument is one where you:

• Are never violent or abusive
• Are reasonably calm
• Are sober
• Have chosen an appropriate time when both of you are able to focus and listen as well as speak
• Have chosen an appropriate place such as your own home
• Have turned the telly off and put the newspaper down
• Are respectful
• Are listening as much as you are talking
• Don't talk over each other
• Aren't spending your time and energy thinking of your next killer put down when you might be better advised to be listening.
• Are paraphrasing what your partner is saying and are asking questions to make sure that you understand or are at least trying to understand the other point of view.
• Give time and space to your partner as well as to you
• Avoid (or at least limit) accusatory language such as "you always...", "you never...". If you want someone to become defensive then accusation is usually an effective way of achieving it
• Focus on you, what you're experiencing, what you think and what you want
• Are ready to negotiate and compromise
• Are able to agree that you will just need to disagree
• Don't continue the discussion endlessly without making any progress
• Are able to end the discussion, possibly by agreeing to continue at a different time. Set the time if that helps.
• Are able to recognise when you might need a bit of outside help.
• Try it!

Does it make any difference for you? Imagine how good it might feel if your partner were to apply these guidelines. Imagine how good it might feel to your partner if you adopted them.

Oh, and it can be a helpful way of talking to anybody it doesn't have to be restricted to arguments within couple relationships. Could it work with your teenager, your boss, your mother?