Boost your children's self esteem – for parents with children of all ages

In this section:

• What is self esteem or self worth?
• Start with yourself!
• Building the foundations of self esteem in children

We've all read the poem 'Children learn what they live', and happily pin it on our hearts and fridges, (if not, enter the title into www.google.com) and we cringe when we hear our children say they are 'stupid' or 'rubbish' at something.
A lot of parents feel passionately about their children and only want the best for them.

What is self esteem and self worth though? How do we get it? Most importantly how can we get it for our children?

What is self worth?

Generally we begin life with a simple view of the world- as young children we trust easily and freely. We’re full of adventure and life is full of possibilities.
As we grow up, we learn to listen to what others think of us and what society tells us we should be like. What little girls and boys should and shouldn't do!

As we grow up, we look to the people with whom we are closest to confirm or reject these ideas of ourselves. We do know that this goes a long way to shaping our self esteem and self worth.

When we’re positive with our children, encouraging them to feel good about themselves, we’re building the foundations for a person who will be resilient later in life.

A Person who’s better able to cope with life's ups and downs, will feel good about themselves, trust their own judgment, see their potential and be more confident.

Start with yourself!

We can usually get some clues from how we feel about ourselves.

How easy is it to list the things we really like about ourselves?

Can we be honest about our weaknesses without feeling like a total failure?

Do we respect and look after ourselves and expect it from others?

Do we have things in life we can feel proud of?

Look around, notice your achievements, and don't overlook the little things!

You don't have to be perfect - just feel that you are equal to those around you!

If all of this is really difficult, you are not alone!

Many of us take on negative messages about being 'overconfident' or 'arrogant' but self esteem is about the ability to be realistic. Most of us have strengths and weaknesses; self worth is about recognising both and still feeling ok about who we are.

Building the foundations of self esteem in children:

Understanding ourselves: Encourage your young person to develop a sense of who they are. Find out what they believe in. What are their values in life? What qualities do they think are important and why? What does it mean to be trustworthy, honest, loyal, and courageous or compassionate for example?

Most teenagers welcome a bit of healthy debate - they may hold very different views to yours but encourage them to think things through for themselves.
Our views often change over time and teenagers especially can have a very idealistic view of the world.

Difference is ok; understanding that we can have different views to others can help them build necessary skills in accessing situations, making judgments and being tolerant.

Understanding others: The ability to form and maintain healthy relationships can play a crucial role in building self esteem in children.

How we read social signals, how we respond to emotions and feelings both in ourselves and others can all play a part.

So, talk to them about their friendships, relationships with teachers and family friends. What kind of qualities do they look for in a friend? What kind of friend are they? What is difficult and what works to resolve difficulties?
Feelings can be powerful and overwhelming for many young people particularly in adolescence, but talk about how they can express their feelings appropriately and safely.

Accepting strengths and weaknesses: We all have areas we can work on! However, we are often much better at identifying these than the things we are good at! So look for opportunities to point out successes and don't let a small achievement go unnoticed.

Let children know the qualities you admire or like about them and why.
If you need to be critical, be specific, avoid person attacks and be prepared to give an example. "You are lazy, useless and treat this house like a hotel" could be "I get really frustrated when I have to search your room for washing - kindly place it in the basket!”.

Mistakes are less easy to overlook but can be used to learn how to do things differently next time!

Whenever you are temped to give your teenager the benefit of your years of wisdom, remember how you learn best- the hard way! So get them to think through systematically, what they would do differently next time, what other options did they have and at what point, things started to go wrong.

Independence: Being independent is part of growing up. As a parent it can be hard to let go, but the rewards of truly understanding how they are beginning to enjoy being a person in their own right makes it all worthwhile.

Persuade them to take a pride in themselves, take good care of themselves. Look after their health, eat properly and understand the importance of looking after their minds and bodies.

Having self respect means that we value ourselves and we are much less likely to be treated disrespectfully by others, or at the very least to tolerate it !

Accepting change: A young person's life if full of change and uncertainty. Over most of which they have little power or control. Improved self esteem and self worth can increase our children's ability to cope with change.

So develop a healthy attitude to change in all aspects of life. Equip children to see it as the natural way of the world, the ebb and flow of life.

Where you can, allow them to have control over how they adapt to changes. Talk through managing change, understanding that change can be both fearful and exciting!

Talk about how you can resolve problems as they arise, what are the different options, benefits and losses, all skills to build confidence in making decisions.

Hopes and Aspirations: Everyone needs to know where they are going! Allow your young person to want to rule the world, go into space, invent an alternative fuel or be the next prime minister if they really want to!

As they shape their future before them, their goals will become increasingly realistic but should challenge them just a little! That extra homework or revision can have meaning if we know what we are working towards.

Talk to them about how they hope to achieve their goals in life, what do they need to get there, who can help and what can they do now? Of course, we all have to live in here and now, so encourage them to move on from the past and look towards the future - but stay focused on today!