Change - big bang or small steps

The problem

Once you’ve decided what you want to change, the challenge is how to go about it.  Many people believe that to solve a problem you need to understand why it has happened. The most practical approach is to ask ‘what’ rather than ‘why’. What is being done here and now to keep this problem going? And what can be done here and now to change it?

Trying to change things in family relationships is hard to do on your own – much better to engage the other people involved. However, some people try to deal with problems by denying that a problem exists.  They may even suggest that anyone who thinks there is a problem is either mad or bad! But difficulties do not stay the same for long – they can increase and escalate if no solution or a wrong solution is attempted.

Some theory

A common myth about change is that if something is bad then its opposite must be good. And when the attempted solution doesn’t work, a common reaction is to do more of the same. Unfortunately, this leads to a situation where the solution becomes the problem.

A parent may try to correct their child’s behaviour by taking what they believe is the most appropriate action, eg sending them to their room.  The child reacts angrily and the parent increases the punishment.  A vicious circle develops where the punishment becomes the problem rather than the solution.

In this situation what is needed is an ability to think ‘outside the box’.  Logical behaviour often fails whereas illogical actions often succeed.  And sometimes you have to do less to enable the other person to do less.

Now what?

It can be tempting to change too much too quickly.  Research shows that breaking action down into small, manageable steps makes success much more likely. The following steps can help:

Set your goal – what exactly do you want to achieve? What will it be like when you have successfully made the change? How will you know when you have got what you want?

• Make sure your goal is realistic, achievable and appropriate.
• Set a time limit and build in regular reviews to check how you are doing.
• Break your goal down into a series of small, manageable steps
• Reward yourselves for each small success