Deciding what to change

The problem

Change happens – it’s a fact of life.  And when it happens spontaneously it can be confusing and disturbing as well as exciting.  But when we want things to change it can seem so hard to achieve.

The first step in making a change is to be clear about what needs changing.  This allows you to separate problems you can solve from those that can’t be changed.  For example, we can’t change the past, we can only change our present and future behaviour.  We often want to change other people, but the only people we can change are ourselves. 

The next step is to decide whether it is within your power to change the situation.  If not it will have to be accepted and managed, perhaps by finding a way of thinking about the situation in a more positive way.

Difficulties in the way you interact and communicate with others are problems you can do something about. The repeating patterns of arguing and fighting or avoiding difficult subjects and withdrawing can be changed.

The normal ups and downs of life can be interpreted as problems that need fixing if our expectations of how life should be are unrealistic.  A reality-check is helpful here.

Sometimes what needs to change is what we are trying to do to resolve the problem. Who hasn’t had the experience of doing their best and seeing things get worse?

Some theory

It is surprising how often people will tolerate unsatisfactory situations rather than changing them.  We ask ‘why does he put up with it?’ or ‘why doesn’t she just leave?’ But family therapists have long recognised a tendency in families to seek to keep things the same, however unsatisfactory they are. Any attempt to change some aspect of the family ‘system’ is met with resistance.  This resistance is not conscious, but a largely unconscious, emotional response which people struggle to explain.

The positive benefit of this is that any change we as individuals make, however small, can have a noticeable effect on others, especially other family members.

Now what?

Answer the following questions:

• How would you describe the problem in concrete terms?
• Is this something that you can change?
• If not, how could you think differently about the situation?
• Are your expectations realistic? What are they based on?
• What have you already tried?  Did it work or did it make things worse?