Divorce – Thoughts to help parents  part 1

Accepting it's over and managing feelings

Accepting it's over

Taking the decision to separate is rarely easy; there are no 'winners' or 'losers' and for many couples having to come to terms with this painful reality can feel like an impossible task.

Choose someone that you can rely on and who you trust enough to share your feelings openly with.

Do: Try to accept it is finally over - whatever the cause of the break up, this is the first step.

Do: Remember that over time it will get easier; don't expect too much too soon.

Managing emotions

Separation and divorce can feel a bit like any other kind of loss. You’ll each be leaving something behind, facing a life you probably didn't expect and you may be feeling uncertain about the future.

Of course everyone's story is different, whether you’re the one that leaves the relationship or not, you will probably have a rollercoaster of feelings that can leave you feeling confused and distracted.

You may feel angry, shocked, and even in denial - "this isn't happening to us". You may look for someone to blame; whose fault is it, yours or theirs? What could you both have done differently? You may feel guilty, especially if you are the one who is blamed or feels responsible for the split.

Anger and bitterness are common emotions at a time when relationships are breaking down and when dealing with the break up itself. These very natural emotions can be appropriate and helpful but, when they begin to consume you and to cloud your judgment about issues such as childcare and finance they’re counterproductive and not in anyone’s best interest – including yours! It usually pays to be objective and to prioritise your long term happiness and your children’s long tern happiness over any feeling that you need to get even or to teach your ex a lesson.

One thing is certain, it takes time to adjust.

Do: Look after yourself by getting all the support you can.

Do: Find someone who can listen to you without judging the situation.

Do: Accept offers of practical support and get professional help if things get really tough or too much for you to cope.

You may also want to view:

• Divorce – Thoughts to help parents part 2: What about the kids?
• Divorce – Thoughts to help parents part 3: Moving On