Divorce – Thoughts to help parents part 2

What about the kids? What do I say?

What about the kids?

Distracted, unhappy people are usually distracted unhappy parents, so it can be difficult to help our kids manage their feelings when our world is in turmoil. You can let them know how you are feeling, but remember they will want to know that your emotions are not out of control. If they see you coping they are much more likely to cope themselves which isn’t too surprising as kids usually do take their cue from their parents.

Do: Try to listen to them without taking sides or wanting to put your point of view. They may see things differently and may want to express their anger or sadness by directing it at you!

Do: Remember that all young people get angry, sad, miserable and cross at times, so don't assume it is always because of the break up.

Do: Allow them time to accept the change and remember that they have little or no control over the situation and may even have some preconceived ideas about what happens next.

Do: Encourage them to be open and honest about how they feel and if this is too difficult a conversation for you - then encourage them to talk to someone you and they trust.

What do I say?

To the kids?

The easy answer is -the truth.

Don't: Pretend 'it’ll be alright' -it may not in their eyes.

Don’t make promises that you’ll find difficult to keep, "nothing will be different" or "you can see mum/dad whenever you want to".

What you say and how you say it will be largely dependent on how old/how mature they are though it probably isn't ever appropriate to share the full details of your relationship breakdown.

Don't: Apportion blame or score points, this won't help them come to terms with their feelings; neither will it do your relationship with them any good in the long run.

Do: Keep it simple; let them know - and keep telling them - that it wasn't their fault and that they are still loved both parents.

Do: Let them know you are still there for them as a parent. They may show you they still need you by regressing slightly, being more clingy, needing more reassurance than usual. Be patient, they too need time to adjust just as you do.

Do: Let them ask questions, some may be obvious, some may feel bizarre or irrelevant to you - try to be honest. They may make assumptions based on what has happened to other families they know or even what they have seen on the telly.

Do: Listen and give them the opportunity to share their fears, however small or silly they may seem to you. A small reassurance may make all the difference. Always take their worries seriously. They may seem trivial to you-but not to your child.

Family and Friends?

Hopefully, your family and friends will be supportive and helpful. Someone who you can rely on, trust to share your feelings openly without reprisals. They may be able to talk things through with your children, offer a different perspective, and show them that some things will stay the same. Grandparents can give stability and reassurance when your children's world feels fragile.

Be aware that some family members may feel hurt, anger and other strong emotions of their own. Some may be judgmental, take sides and want someone or something to blame. That could include you!

Do: Try to stay calm and stick to the facts. You have the right to say as little or as much as you wish! Your relationship is your business so you don’t always need to justify your position, or what has happened unless of course you want to!

Some may come to terms with your relationship breakdown more quickly than others but family and friends can be a source of support at a difficult time so accept their help as a gift and try to be patient with those that take a little longer.

Work and School?

Most good employers recognise this as a time when you may not be able to function as well as normal at work. Consider letting your boss know since he or she may find it easier to make allowances if they know that you’re going through something difficult.

Do: Let schools know what is happening at home; you are warning them that your children may be upset, confused and may need a little more patience and understanding than usual. They can alert you to signs that your kids are behaving unusually or appearing not to cope. They too can be a source of support for you and your children, someone they can talk to.

There may be a counsellor in school who can help if your child wants to speak to someone.

You may also want to view:

• Divorce - Thoughts to help parents part 1: Accepting it's over
• Divorce - Thoughts to help parents part 3: Moving on
• Family break up (Click video below from Parent channel.tv)