Divorce – Thoughts to help parents part 3

Everything Changes – Moving On

Coping

Following the breakup, you will need to begin to think about what life will be like for all of you from now on.

It’s not going to be the same as it was before the split.

You may find that a new routine seems to appear quite naturally, but don't be surprised if this takes time to establish. Important things like finances, contact and where you live will all need to be negotiated and agreed, either with or without professional guidance.

Do: Let your children know that you’re coping! Depending on their age, you may wish to ask them for their opinion, but remember you are still the parent.

Don't: Ask children to choose between you, or take sides, they may have divided loyalties, even worry about you, but ultimately all the normal parenting duties and responsibilities are still down to you both. The tricky bit is agreeing and negotiating how you can parent while living apart.

Different Houses, Different Rules

If you’re a parent who only sees your children at the weekend, you may decide that you do not want to spend this precious time nagging about homework, or enforcing strict bedtimes.

However, this may lead to resentment from the parent who has the children all week, and who may then feel that they are left with all of the disciplining to do, while you have all of the fun.

It’ll work best for everyone if the two parents can agree about some of the basic rules.

While children are adaptable, younger ones, in particular, may get confused with different sets of rules in each house-not to mention their ability to play one parent off against the other.

To some extent each parent has the right to parent as they wish, to say what is important or not in their house. As long as your children are safe and cared for you may have to let some things go and accept the differences.

Do: Explain! Children can usually adjust so long as you can explain, calmly, that in your house, your rules apply and offer a simple and brief explanation. "I know you stay up late at the weekends, but on a school night you will go to bed at 8"

Do: Talk it through, if you have real concerns about how you or your ex manages rules and discipline.

Don't: Be tempted to use the children as a go between.

Moving on

Together, Apart

When you have children together and decide to take joint responsibility for their well-being and upbringing, there will always be a thread that links you to your ex partner. You stop being partners, but you will always be co-parents.

Do: Accept that their needs may change, but research does show that for the majority of children, maintaining a relationship with both parents helps them come to terms with parental separation.

Even long after they have left home and have relationships or families of their own there will still be times when you have to be in the role of parent.

It all takes time, but families do often manage to find a way to rebuild relationships, trust and communication.

Keep Talking

Building good communication between you and your ex is of key importance.

Do: Try to stay calm; don't let your feelings interfere with making arrangements or negotiating.

Do: Be civil with your ex. This may be difficult when emotions run high, but if you want co-operation then keep feelings in check. Instead, try to acknowledge each other's points of view and respect boundaries. If necessary, practice what you want to say beforehand, and then keep it short and to the point.

Do: Show that you have listened by checking out what you have heard. This can avoid confusion and misunderstandings and builds trust.

Don't: Rake up the past. Accept that people can change, so that whatever your relationship was like when you were together, it can be different now.

Don't: Be tempted to use the children as go betweens. However convenient this may be and however difficult it is to talk directly, using children as messengers creates tension and unnecessary responsibility for them.

And finally...

Many families manage the changes that separation and divorce bring with dignity and sensitivity. Our children will always look to us as parents to provide a safe and secure base from which to grow and develop. Whether we provide that together or apart, being a parent is a job for life!

You may also want to view...

• Divorce – Thoughts to help parents part 1: Accepting it's over
• Divorce – Thoughts to help parents part 2: What about the kids?