Divorce – Thoughts to help parents

In this section:
• Accepting it's over
• Managing feelings
• What do I say?
• Everything changes
• Moving on

Accepting it's over

Taking the decision to separate is rarely easy; there are no 'winners' or 'losers' and for many couples having to come to terms with this painful reality can feel like an impossible task.

Choose someone that you can rely on and who you trust enough to share your feelings openly with.

Do: Try to accept it is finally over - whatever the cause of the break up, this is the first step.

Do: Remember that over time it will get easier; don't expect too much too soon.

Managing emotions

Separation and divorce can feel a bit like any other kind of loss. You’ll each be leaving something behind, facing a life you probably didn't expect and you may be feeling uncertain about the future.

Of course everyone's story is different, whether you’re the one that leaves the relationship or not, you will probably have a rollercoaster of feelings that can leave you feeling confused and distracted.

You may feel angry, shocked, and even in denial - "this isn't happening to us". You may look for someone to blame; whose fault is it, yours or theirs? What could you both have done differently? You may feel guilty, especially if you are the one who is blamed or feels responsible for the split.

Anger and bitterness are common emotions at a time when relationships are breaking down and when dealing with the break up itself. These very natural emotions can be appropriate and helpful but, when they begin to consume you and to cloud your judgment about issues such as childcare and finance they’re counterproductive and not in anyone’s best interest – including yours! It usually pays to be objective and to prioritise your long term happiness and your children’s long tern happiness over any feeling that you need to get even or to teach your ex a lesson.

One thing is certain, it takes time to adjust.

Do: Look after yourself by getting all the support you can.

Do: Find someone who can listen to you without judging the situation.

Do: Accept offers of practical support and get professional help if things get really tough or too much for you to cope.

What about the kids?

Distracted, unhappy people are usually distracted unhappy parents, so it can be difficult to help our kids manage their feelings when our world is in turmoil. You can let them know how you are feeling, but remember they will want to know that your emotions are not out of control. If they see you coping they are much more likely to cope themselves which isn’t too surprising as kids usually do take their cue from their parents.

Do: Try to listen to them without taking sides or wanting to put your point of view. They may see things differently and may want to express their anger or sadness by directing it at you!

Do: Remember that all young people get angry, sad, miserable and cross at times, so don't assume it is always because of the break up.

Do: Allow them time to accept the change and remember that they have little or no control over the situation and may even have some preconceived ideas about what happens next.

Do: Encourage them to be open and honest about how they feel and if this is too difficult a conversation for you - then encourage them to talk to someone you and they trust.

What do I say?

To the kids?

The easy answer is -the truth.

Don't: Pretend 'it’ll be alright' -it may not in their eyes.

Don’t make promises that you’ll find difficult to keep, "nothing will be different" or "you can see mum/dad whenever you want to".

What you say and how you say it will be largely dependent on how old/how mature they are though it probably isn't ever appropriate to share the full details of your relationship breakdown.

Don't: Apportion blame or score points, this won't help them come to terms with their feelings; neither will it do your relationship with them any good in the long run.

Do: Keep it simple; let them know - and keep telling them - that it wasn't their fault and that they are still loved both parents.

Do: Let them know you are still there for them as a parent. They may show you they still need you by regressing slightly, being more clingy, needing more reassurance than usual. Be patient, they too need time to adjust just as you do.

Do: Let them ask questions, some may be obvious, some may feel bizarre or irrelevant to you - try to be honest. They may make assumptions based on what has happened to other families they know or even what they have seen on the telly.

Do: Listen and give them the opportunity to share their fears, however small or silly they may seem to you. A small reassurance may make all the difference. Always take their worries seriously. They may seem trivial to you-but not to your child. 

Family and Friends?

Hopefully, your family and friends will be supportive and helpful. Someone who you can rely on, trust to share your feelings openly without reprisals. They may be able to talk things through with your children, offer a different perspective, and show them that some things will stay the same. Grandparents can give stability and reassurance when your children's world feels fragile.

Be aware that some family members may feel hurt, anger and other strong emotions of their own. Some may be judgmental, take sides and want someone or something to blame. That could include you!

Do: Try to stay calm and stick to the facts. You have the right to say as little or as much as you wish! Your relationship is your business so you don’t always need to justify your position, or what has happened unless of course you want to!

Some may come to terms with your relationship breakdown more quickly than others but family and friends can be a source of support at a difficult time so accept their help as a gift and try to be patient with those that take a little longer.

Work and School?

Most good employers recognise this as a time when you may not be able to function as well as normal at work. Consider letting your boss know since he or she may find it easier to make allowances if they know that you’re going through something difficult.

Do: Let schools know what is happening at home; you are warning them that your children may be upset, confused and may need a little more patience and understanding than usual. They can alert you to signs that your kids are behaving unusually or appearing not to cope. They too can be a source of support for you and your children, someone they can talk to.

There may be a counsellor in school who can help if your child wants to speak to someone.

Everything Changes

Coping

Following the breakup, you will need to begin to think about what life will be like for all of you from now on.

It’s not going to be the same as it was before the split.

You may find that a new routine seems to appear quite naturally, but don't be surprised if this takes time to establish. Important things like finances, contact and where you live will all need to be negotiated and agreed, either with or without professional guidance.

Do: Let your children know that you’re coping! Depending on their age, you may wish to ask them for their opinion, but remember you are still the parent.

Don't: Ask children to choose between you, or take sides, they may have divided loyalties, even worry about you, but ultimately all the normal parenting duties and responsibilities are still down to you both. The tricky bit is agreeing and negotiating how you can parent while living apart.

Different Houses, Different Rules

If you’re a parent who only sees your children at the weekend, you may decide that you do not want to spend this precious time nagging about homework, or enforcing strict bedtimes.

However, this may lead to resentment from the parent who has the children all week, and who may then feel that they are left with all of the disciplining to do, while you have all of the fun.

It’ll work best for everyone if the two parents can agree about some of the basic rules.

While children are adaptable, younger ones, in particular, may get confused with different sets of rules in each house-not to mention their ability to play one parent off against the other.

To some extent each parent has the right to parent as they wish, to say what is important or not in their house. As long as your children are safe and cared for you may have to let some things go and accept the differences.

Do: Explain! Children can usually adjust so long as you can explain, calmly, that in your house, your rules apply and offer a simple and brief explanation. "I know you stay up late at the weekends, but on a school night you will go to bed at 8"

Do: Talk it through, if you have real concerns about how you or your ex manages rules and discipline.

Don't: Be tempted to use the children as a go between.

Moving on

Together, Apart

When you have children together and decide to take joint responsibility for their well-being and upbringing, there will always be a thread that links you to your ex partner. You stop being partners, but you will always be co-parents.

Do: Accept that their needs may change, but research does show that for the majority of children, maintaining a relationship with both parents helps them come to terms with parental separation.

Even long after they have left home and have relationships or families of their own there will still be times when you have to be in the role of parent.

It all takes time, but families do often manage to find a way to rebuild relationships, trust and communication. 

Keep Talking

Building good communication between you and your ex is of key importance.

Do: Try to stay calm; don't let your feelings interfere with making arrangements or negotiating.

Do: Be civil with your ex. This may be difficult when emotions run high, but if you want co-operation then keep feelings in check. Instead, try to acknowledge each other's points of view and respect boundaries. If necessary, practice what you want to say beforehand, and then keep it short and to the point.

Do: Show that you have listened by checking out what you have heard. This can avoid confusion and misunderstandings and builds trust.

Don't: Rake up the past. Accept that people can change, so that whatever your relationship was like when you were together, it can be different now.

Don't: Be tempted to use the children as go betweens. However convenient this may be and however difficult it is to talk directly, using children as messengers creates tension and unnecessary responsibility for them.

And finally...

Many families manage the changes that separation and divorce bring with dignity and sensitivity. Our children will always look to us as parents to provide a safe and secure base from which to grow and develop. Whether we provide that together or apart, being a parent is a job for life!