Family Conflict 

A family without conflict is a make-believe family, or a family set in stone. All humans are created out of an act of conflict, as a single victorious male sperm wins the race to pierce the female egg and sow the seed of a new life. Nine months later, we are born out of another conflict, this time the conflict within a woman’s body, to hold on, or to let go.

Our family is the prime container for our growth, and at times, therefore, for our conflict. We enter it as helpless babies and the best part of two decades later are launched out of it as fledgling adults. Like all containers, it can, over time, spring leaks, crack, and even break, but most families are remarkably resilient. At times, the family container can feel too small, too constricting, and we push and shove against its walls; or appear too flimsy, too fragile, that we can’t easily rely on it; or perhaps it simply comes to feel the wrong shape for us. The best containers are roomy and flexible but also capable of feeling firm and snug when needs be. If that sounds a contradiction, it is not, for families are made up of people, and people are adaptable and rarely one-dimensional.

Extremes of conflict

A complete absence of conflict in a family may make for a quiet life but there will be little or no growth. Conflict arises from personal differences, of age, maturity, sex, personality, experience, values, and background. In some families, conflict is chronic and family members cannot come close without meeting criticism or rejection; in other families conflict is avoided at all costs, with the result that closeness is only ever superficial as individual family members cannot be themselves. Neither of these extremes is healthy. If we look at each other and see only sameness and similarity, then we should look more closely for we are being blind to the real differences. But if at first sight we see only difference, we should look again, for we are missing the similarities.

Differences enrich but can also enrage

Conflict within a family can flare up seemingly out of nothing, can be triggered by an important event or decision, or can be a constant, running sore, festering beneath the surface over years or decades. An important step in the management of family conflict is to better understand the meanings of that conflict, for all concerned. A better understanding can help shrink the conflict of some of its power, make it feel less daunting, and more manageable. New understanding can help us see the possibility of a win-win outcome rather than being stuck with what feels like a win-lose / either-or, tussle. At best, increased understanding can help build bridges rather than walls.