Family conflict - Understanding

Firstly, it’s worth remembering that there are at least two sides to every conflict, and that each side has its viewpoint and feelings. If either side’s perspective is dismissed out of hand, or worse still, rubbished, it will breed resentment and create the likelihood of far more conflict further down the line.

There is an important difference between parent-child conflict and conflict between spouses or adult partners: parents of dependent children have a responsibility for their offspring and therefore a right to exercise authority over them, within the law. However, that authority needs to be exercised with caution and sensitivity, as young persons, being less knowledgeable and less powerful than adults, are more prone to abuse. An angry ‘Because I say so!’ may be an understandable (and occasionally justifiable) stance to adopt with a child, but is rarely going to be helpful in resolving conflict between adults.

Outbreaks of conflict between siblings is pretty normal in most families The ‘rough & tumble’ of sibling rivalry and affection is not available to ‘only children’ and is a means by which children learn to deal with ambivalent feelings and develop the tenacity to endure and survive in the wider world of school and work. There is bound to be some measure of rivalry between siblings, expressed as envy over who goes to bed first, who gets the best present, who gets told off the most, but when such conflict is common, perhaps, lurking underneath, are suspicions and insecurities over who is most loved.

An extra-dimension, of course occurs when step-siblings enter the equation, each having to adjust to the new family framework. It’s rarely easy but given tolerance, understanding and patience on the part of the adults, together with trust and faith in the children, kids will often work things out for themselves.

Superficial Causes & Underlying Meanings

The immediate cause of the conflict may appear obvious: a broken cup, a late homecoming, a messy bedroom, an off-hand remark, or something forgotten or unnoticed, etc. but look beneath the surface and you will nearly always find something more meaningful, The conflict between siblings may be over mundane matters as who goes to bed first, or who gets the biggest slice of pizza, but may stem from an underlying insecurity over who is most loved by their parents. Conflict between siblings over unauthorised ‘borrowing’ of clothes is common enough in most families, especially between sisters, but may mask deeper feelings of envy, or fears of one’s own identity being submerged by others. Conflict with or between adults over lateness may point to anxieties about actual or potential loss; or not feeling trusted as an independent person. Conflict is our attempt to avoid the feared loss, to prevent feeling devalued, and to ensure our feelings and needs are really heard. Sometimes we can read too much into things, but surely when there are deeper anxieties at stake, it’s better to be aware of them rather than just treating the conflict as trivial and superficial.

Fight or Flight

Too often, when we are hurt, anxious, or threatened, our reaction can be summed up as fight or flight, i.e. we back off, sulk, or, we attempt to seize control of the situation by word or deed. Either way, those around us experience our behaviour as powerful: either aloof and unreachable, or dominant and controlling, and the other reacts accordingly, with their own fight or flight response. The pattern of conflict is then established, each party feeling ‘done to’ by the other, seeing themselves as the ‘victim,’ the other as the ‘persecutor.’ We need to recognise that in most cases, both sides have victim feelings, and both sides wield power of one sort or another.