Family Secrets

All families have secrets of one kind or another. Letters, photos, objects locked hidden away at the back of a drawer, perhaps memories of past events, too painful, shameful, or precious to recount, or reveal to the harsh of light of day. The secrets may stem from our past, back in the time before the children, or before this spouse or partner came on the scene. Guilty secrets, precious secrets: an affair, a crime, a lost love, a previous marriage, an abortion. These things we carry in secret, and the feelings attached to them. We may conceal them out of shame, fear of ridicule, criticism, or condemnation.

There are shared secrets parents choose to keep from children, rightly so; perhaps intending them to be shared when the children are older, if the time feels right; or perhaps we intend some secrets to go with us to the grave. Sometimes, a parent will entrust a child with a secret and instruct them not to tell Dad or Mum. Knowledge is power, but can also be a burden, and it is rarely justifiable to enmesh children in webs of deceit. Secrets take up a lot of energy in keeping them locked away whilst holding inside the constant fear of being discovered.

Of course we have a right to our privacy, but difficult when that privacy impacts on someone close to us, who may have a desire, or need, not to be kept in the dark. One means of resolving such dilemmas is to consider this formula when it comes to weighing up the relative merits of secrecy or disclosure.

RIGHTS 

               take precedence over needs

NEEDS 

               take precedence over

WANTS

Examples:

a) A teenage girl had always been close to her father. He's seemed a little distant and preoccupied of late. Her Mum puts it down to stress at his work. One day, when alone with his daughter, he confides how unhappy he has been in the marriage for some time, and that he has now met someone else and is planning to leave once arrangements are in place. He tells his daughter that he loves her dearly and that it isn't in any way her fault why he is going. He seems to want her understanding, her forgiveness and her permission, as well as her agreement not to say anything to her mother for the time being. She is upset, but tries to be grownup about it and promises to do what he asks.

A Relate Counsellor might feel that his need to confide in someone is understandable, given the uncomfortable feelings he must have been struggling with for some time, but that his young daughter has a right not to be burdened in that way, nor to be made complicit in his deceit of her mother. What do you think?

b) A woman in her late fifties is married with four grownup children, but she is convinced that the youngest (a son, now 27) is not her husband's, although she has never told anyone of this, not even the man she believes to be the father. Her son is now married with a baby of his own, who was born handicapped. She admires the way the young couple are coping with their child's special needs but her daughter-in-law has recently begun asking lots of questions about her husband's family's medical history before they decide whether to dare try for any more children. The woman feels terribly guilty about keeping the secret from her son, but cannot bear the thought of the pain and repercussions that the revelation might unleash throughout the family. Her husband has noticed how stressed his wife has been of late, and is clearly worried about her. She's made an appointment to see her GP to ask what she should do. Her husband keeps offering to go with her but her stubborn refusals cause a row.

Some dilemmas are complex, and have no clear-cut, or pain-free solution. What is your view of this situation?

c) A girl of 16 confides in her mother that she is pregnant and is adamant she doesn't want to have the baby. The girl's boyfriend knows nothing as the relationship finished a few weeks before the girl discovered she was pregnant. The girl begs her mother not to say anything to her father. Although her mother supports her daughter's decision about terminating the pregnancy, she isn't at all happy about keeping the knowledge from her husband. She tried explaining that to her daughter but her daughter got very angry and upset. The mother doesn't know what to do, and is wondering about telling her husband but swearing him to secrecy.

What is your view of this situation?

Conclusion

Our upbringings will vary in how our families managed secrecy and openness between family members. For some of us, a measure of secrecy in family life seems inevitable and only to be expected, and we are not that threatened by the possibility of some things being hidden or private, indeed, we may see it as evidence of respect for an individual's right to privacy. For others, secrecy is always unhealthy and seen as evidence of mistrust, so that we want to live in a family where everything is out in the open. Where do you stand between these two viewpoints?

When we consider the themes that get caught up in this topic... trust, betrayal, respect, fear, privacy, deceit, honesty, suspicion, guilt, shame, & openness, it is clear why this is such a powerful topic and there are often no simple answers.

If you are holding a family secret and wondering how to manage it, it can be helpful to think through the likely things that could happen if you disclose it in any way. These are just a few questions that can be useful to think through - 

Who would be most affected?

What would the gains be of sharing this secret?

What would the losses be?

Is the reason for holding it, still a good reason?

Are sleeping dogs best kept lying down?

Is anyone in danger or could be harmed by not knowing this secret?