Grandparenting (and Step-Grandparenting)

We collected a few quotations about grandparents….

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television 

Just when a woman thinks her work is done, she becomes a grandmother

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first 

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window 

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world.  And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too

Heard the Christmas cracker joke?
Question: Why do children and grandparents get on so well?
Answer: Because they share a common enemy

Makes you smile, cringe, think?

Of course once we’ve played your part in bringing a child into the world we have no control over whether, or when, we become a grandparent. Some of us oldies long for it to happen, and envy our friends and colleagues who can’t stop talking about the joy their grandchildren bring into their lives.

Sometimes, of course, our children may find that they, or their partner, is infertile, or are prevented by other reasons from reproducing. Some of us will have offspring who are gay or lesbian, and we may fear that the opportunity to become grandparents will therefore be denied us. That is not necessarily the case. More and more infertile couples, as well as gay and lesbian partnerships find ways to have, or adopt, and rear a child, and children of adoptive, or gay or lesbian parents need grandparents just as much as any other kids.

Some of us, of course, are initially terrified by the thought of becoming a granny or granddad, seeing it as further evidence of our own ageing process.
Of course, with age, as with most things in life, we get used to it in time.
Whether entering grandparenthood was long overdue, or something of a shock to the system, most grandparents seem to find it a largely joyful bonus. Our kids have (almost certainly) grown up and away, and as new grandparents we are able to revisit those small, intimate pleasures of parenting without the ultimate burden and responsibility of actually being a parent. In other words, we can enjoy our grandchildren precisely because at the end of the afternoon, day, or weekend, we can hand them back!

Some grandparents, of course, are more than just occasional visitors, or hosts, in their grandchildren’s lives. Some grandparents, perhaps because they are retired from work, take on the main day-to-day childcare responsibilities for their grandchildren. Such child-care on the cheap, delivered by known and trusted adults, may suit everyone, including the State, but the convenience of such arrangements can sometimes mask tensions that will, at times, gives rise to conflicts. We’ll describe and explore some of these later through some case examples.

One feature of our first becoming a grandparent has definite implications for our relationship with our grownup offspring. We remain father & son, mother & daughter, etc. but now there is a new connection, we now have a new common bond as fellow parents and that changes something between us. It is not uncommon for new-ish parents to remark to their own mother or father, “I now get an inkling of what I must have put you through” Such comments are music to their parents’ ears. Joking apart, the fact that the grandparent has ‘been there, done it, seen it all’ (ok, most of it all) before,’ is tremendously useful and reassuring to anxious new parents. Grandparents are more likely to remain calm and keep faith, when the new parents feel anxious and panicky about their children’s progress. When our grown-up children start complaining about what their 5 yr old, or 15 yr old, is getting up to, it is one of life’s great pleasures and justices to gently inform them, ‘That’s just what you were like as a child!’  You may not find yourself able to resist the remark, but it’s best delivered with love, and some recollection of how hard you found that same behaviour at the time.

Dangers & Fears
There are dangers in grandparents being too pushy, trying to takeover, and forcing their own ideas of child rearing onto their children. Be careful if you find this happening to you, for you might find it drives a wedge between you and your children, and that won’t be good for anyone.
 
In an age where separation and divorce are far from uncommon experiences, grandparents often fear that such break-ups might result in a severing of the relationship between them and their grandchildren, especially if it is their son or daughter who has chosen to leave the marital/family home. Where break-ups are managed well, and where the hurt and anger is contained for the sake of the children, losing contact doesn’t have to be the result, and shouldn’t be, for children need their grandparents, they are a valuable presence, a symbol of support, continuity and belonging in an uncertain world.