Ideas to reduce family arguments

No matter how much you look forward to the family being together at holiday times and week-ends, it does increase the potential for tensions and arguments. After the usual Easter, Summer and Christmas breaks, Relate always see an increase in calls. So this year to help avoid those holiday arguments we have come up with tips on reducing family rows.

Sometimes it feels like you can’t win! We encourage our children to have opinions and express themselves and then find ourselves in conflict with their opinions or demands. Likewise, parents know that in theory it is probably best not to argue in front of the children. In practice though, this isn’t always possible. While no one needs to be perfect there are simple things parents can try to do to make life easier.

Relate for Parents and Families’ tips for avoiding arguments.

One of the best things you can do as a parent it to make sure you acknowledge  every demand a child has. For example if your child asks “Can we go to the park?” just saying no – is likely to get a repeat of the question or a sulk but saying “I’m glad you like going to the park, but I am not sure if we can go today because …” demonstrates you have listened and valued their feelings.

Sometimes when you want to have a quiet talk with your partner and it seems as though there are always children around, parents often find themselves giving short sharp exchanges to each other. Also the different language men and women use, can create misunderstandings. For example if a woman says “I need to talk to you” to her male partner, he may get worried – so always be sure to give a clue about what you need to talk about, and then agree when you can have that chat.

Men tend to be more intimidated by conflict – so try bringing up issues in a casual conversation and giving your partner time to think about it, rather than expecting an answer/solution straight away. Whereas when a man says “I want a quiet word”, women can see it as a criticism – so similarly, make sure your partner knows what it is about and when you can have that word.

Try to find a code word that either of you (or the children) can say out loud when an argument is getting out of hand.  This often diffuses the tension, and sends the message that whatever the argument is about, it will not be resolved in that moment.  Each family could have a code word that is only known to them.

Squabbling children can test the best of us. It can help to consider whether the argument is caused by boredom. Energy that has no outlet, or not enough, often erupts into meaningless fights in children. Sending them to their rooms isn’t quite the punishment it used to be, so before the squabbling gets bad try to make sure that the children have plenty to do and plenty of ideas about how to spend their time. The ideas don’t have to come from you – a bit like planning your day and your time, children (depending on their age) are often capable of planning their own time. Make sure that any family member gets space when they need it. When pressured into doing things they don’t want to, every family member needs the opportunity to opt out – as long as they understand there will be an effect on others.

Remember, not all arguments are unavoidable and not all arguments are bad. In fact, it is good for children to see that disagreements can be resolved and discussed calmly, so don’t give yourself too much of a hard time if sometimes tempers get frayed.