Maintaining Contact

What is contact?

When a couple is separating or divorcing it usually means that any children will live with one of their parents (parent with care) and have visits to and from their other parent - this is known as contact.
Separation and divorce are very adult solutions to adult problems. Children experiencing their parents going through this process can experience sadness, anger, loss, confusion -they may even feel responsible.
Separation or divorce usually means that any children will live with one parent (parent with care) and have visits to and from their other parent - this is known as contact.

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What's it for?

Contact helps your children to experience being raised by both parents.
It can help your child to adjust to the new circumstances of mum and dad living separately.
It can help your child to adapt to these new circumstances whilst still feeling valued and loved by both parents.

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Does contact matter?

When thinking about contact between the non resident parent and the children it might be helpful to first think about 'what's best for the kids?'
You are making decisions that could influence the welfare and happiness of your children for many years to come.
Children like their lives to be safe, predictable and consistent. Many children find dealing with change to be quite difficult. They want and need to feel loved and secure.
When children see and hear their parents negotiating an agreement rather than rowing it is likely that they will be much less stressed.

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The right level of contact:

There simply isn't one simple rule for this.
It depends on the wishes of the parents, the children and what is possible and practicable.
It depends on the ages of the children.
When one parent lives far away you can think creatively about maintaining contact through, telephone, texting, e-mails, webcams or even letters. The parent with care can alleviate any guilt that the child may feel by positively encouraging them to do this.
Some people find it very helpful to have a regular contact plan which you all agree to stick to. This will probably need to change as the children get older.
Making this sort of plan as soon as possible after separation is usually helpful for everyone.
Young children may get more out of shorter more frequent visits.
Overnight stays with the parent without care help the children and that parent to have time to relax and to experience the routines of everyday life.

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Should the children have a say?

Children should usually be given a voice in helping to decide about contact. It is their lives and their future that is being discussed.
The level of input that a child has should be appropriate to their age. A 17 year old is going to have more opinions, more ideas and more ability to make rational decisions than a 5 year old.
Children's views should be heard.
Even when their choices cannot be fully (or even partially) granted it can be helpful to explain why and to let them know that their views are valued.
Children may think of things that don't occur to you. They might worry about whether they will still be able to see their friends, will they get two Christmas presents, who's going to feed the goldfish while they are away, are they going home again?
When you child seems worried or distressed about a contact visit try to talk to them with an open mind, listen to them as well. You may find that their concern can be easily resolved.
Tell your children what is agreed and keep them aware of changes.

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Formal or Informal?

Remember that children like predictability. It helps them to feel valued and loved.
Some people find it very helpful to have a regular contact plan which you all agree to stick to. This will probably need to change as the children get older.
Making this sort of plan as soon as possible after separation is usually helpful for everyone.
Try not to change previously agreed arrangements and try not to be late when picking them up or when they arrive.
The same applies at the end of a visit.
Sometimes flexibility is necessary.
As children get older, their needs and wants change (so do yours), it may get more difficult to stick to a rigid "timetable".

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All day in McDonalds?

There may be a period of "re-entry" when they first arrive. They may appear to be uncomfortable in their new surroundings and with any new people that may be around such as your new partner, other children etc.
You may need to give them time, be patient, and help them to settle in.
This re-entry time may happen every time they come.
They may have similar re-entry experiences when they go back to their other parent.
It is easy to feel under pressure to make each contact visit special. Perhaps it feels that you should always be doing something amazing and fun.
It might be helpful to remember the things that the children and you liked doing together before separation.
Sometimes it can be a great relief for everyone (you and the children) to realise that you are sometimes at your happiest just being together playing, chatting or pottering around at home.
Keep each other up to date with household rules such as bed times, suitable TV viewing, meals etc.

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Special Occasions:

Christmas, birthdays, holidays and other special times can be the most difficult to agree on. Each of these is just a day, and you can choose to celebrate the occasion on a day close by-and make it your special day together.

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What's best for the children?

You and your ex partner may be able to spend some of these days together. Make it clear to the children that it is a special arrangement for a special day since children can often be encouraged to hope that you are getting back together. This sort of arrangement may get harder when and if either of you has a new partner.
Can your child spend part of the day with each of you? In this case you might want to think carefully about whether it is reasonable or even possible to spend half of Christmas day travelling.
Can you share year and year about?
What do the children want and 'what's best for the children?'

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Why are we doing this?

When you and your ex disagree on contact you may want to think about 'what's best for the children?'
It's really easy to think about how you will feel if you don't get to see your kids this weekend. Maybe it's harder to think about how they see it

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Do we agree on anything?

When you disagree you might find it helpful to consider and clearly state any areas of contact where you do agree.
When you are clear about what you do agree on this can help to focus on the possibilities for the areas where you don't agree.

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Negotiate

Once you separate life will change. It is not as straightforward as it might have been before. Some situations are going to be more difficult.
Each of you may have to consider compromise and be ready to give and take.
"If you have the children overnight on Thursday this week would it be OK for me to take them to my mum's party on Saturday?"

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Keep talking:

Keep talking to each other. At the time of separating you may each be feeling angry, bitter or distressed. If you stop communicating it is more likely that you will get into misunderstanding and disagreements with your ex.
Your feelings towards your ex are likely to change over time.
Preserving the welfare of your children and preserving your relationship with them will be dramatically easier if you can maintain a civil dialogue with your ex.

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Worth avoiding:

As parent with care you are not doing your ex a favour by agreeing contact. You are helping your children to keep a contact with one of the most important figures in their life
Try not to use contact as a bargaining strategy over finance and other aspects of separation and ongoing financial arrangements.

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Violence changes everything:

When you disagree and things get violent it is likely that the police and the courts will get involved.
It is likely that future contact may be more restricted. In extreme case you may even be prevented from seeing your children.

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Who can help?

When the parents cannot agree on contact arrangements it may be that solicitors, the courts, mediators or other sources of help and support will get involved.
There are lots of other places that you can go for help in sorting this out - you are not alone.

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