Parenting Grown Up Children

Parenting grown up children is a bit like watching the slow motion film of an athletics relay race as the baton passes from one generation to the next in barely perceptible movements. Every now and then, the film jumps forward several frames, bringing the moment of changeover ever closer.

The changeover process involves one party putting something down and the other picking it up. That ‘something’ is knowledge, and the responsibility and control that come with it. Increasingly, grownup children’s lives are lived beyond their parents’ reach. Instead of seeing our kids every day, entering their bedrooms, tidying their stuff, being informed by their teachers as to our children’s progress (or lack of it)… we see far less, know only what they choose to tell us, and their bosses wouldn’t dream of calling us in to tell us how our offspring are doing. First and foremost, parenting grownup children is a test of our ability to let go.

However, most of us don’t let go easily, or completely, and letting-go is not the same as abandoning. Caring and responsible parents watch from the wings, ready to appreciate, commiserate, or prompt, as needed. In spite of their apparent confidence, there will be times when our grownup children will need the support, experience and wisdom of older heads than their own.

A key feature of this stage of parenting is making those fine judgements as to when to intervene and when to hold back; whether to enquire how our grownup children’s lives, jobs, marriages, etc., are going, or wait for them to inform us? -  When they do, how much financial, practical or emotional assistance to offer? Parents can give too much help, as well as too little. We may have to learn to stand by and bite our tongue, as we witness a succession of career moves, and personal relationships, apparently come to nothing. Our children’s partners may enter, and exit, our lives, and there’s nothing we can do except utter sighs of relief, or nurse the sadness that a very possible, and likable, life-partner has somehow slipped away. Of course this becomes more difficult when our grownup children are married or cohabiting, and still more so, when grandchildren are involved.

Parental Pride & Shame

As parents of grown-up children, we may have to contend with feelings of rivalry and competition as we witness the achievements of friend’s and neighbour’s adult offspring. Of course, parenting is not a competition in which we strive to prove which of us are the more successful parents. Yet feelings of pride, and its counterpart, shame, are common amongst many parents, and both sets of feelings are worthy of closer examination.

When we feel pride in our offspring, don’t we feel rather better about ourselves - even swell a little inside? Also, when we experience shame, don’t we cringe inside, and feel rather worse about ourselves as a result of our offspring’s exploits (or lack of them)? Arguably, pride and shame have little to do with our offspring, and are rather more bound with how we feel about ourselves. For pride, and its counterpart shame, are essentially judgemental; whereas joy and delight when our children do well, and sadness and compassion when they mess up, are empathic and generous.

Parenting our own parents may seem a distant prospect for many of us, but, as we enter middle-age, may find it creeps up on us unawares. Of course, some young children, due to parental disability, may have taken on parenting responsibilities from an early age in life. Whenever it starts to occur, it means a major about-turn in the scheme of things, as we realise that the ‘baton’ of knowledge and responsibility has passed into our hands. We may find ourselves increasingly worrying about our parents, having to give them advice or practical help on various domestic problems, and perhaps eventually, having to consider bringing them to live with us, or making other arrangements for their daily care. There may even come a time when we have to apply for power of attorney over their financial affairs. All this can present us with a real psychological hurdle to overcome, as well as increasingly physical demands, at a time when we may well have other responsibilities with our own career/partner/children.

If you find yourself struggling with difficult feelings to do with parental shame, or perhaps divided loyalties, guilt etc, to do with parenting one’s own parents, do seek out someone to talk things over with. Try our Live Chat service, or ask to see a counsellor at your GP surgery? Talking things over with someone who has some appreciation of the issues but is outside of your own family situation really can help.

You may also like to view ...

• Parenting Grown Up Children - A Dad's Story
• Parenting Grown Up Children - A Mum's Story