Parenting when separated/divorced

Divorce and children can be a recipe for a difficult situation. The break-up of a marriage or committed co-habiting partnership is always stressful, even in those rare situations when it’s mutually desired and agreed. Even more stressful, and painful, when it’s what only one partner wants, or, when there’s the added ingredient of an affair. But perhaps what makes for the most stressful divorce or seperation situations of all is when there are dependent children involved.

The two adult parents are almost certain to have an array of feelings in relation to themselves, their partner, and their torn relationship, ranging from shock, rejection, loss, fear and uncertainty, failure, anger, envy, jealousy, relief, guilt and blame. The loss of what was previously felt to be a secure attachment in our lives, strikes at the very heart of all human beings, and shakes us to our very roots. We are, of course, grown-ups, but inside we may feel like hurt or naughty children: frightened, lost, helpless, done-to, or in the wrong. Hard enough to cope without all this child-stuff going on inside us, harder still to put our own feelings to one side and try to be sensitive and caring towards the feelings of the actual children living under our roof who are wondering what the hell is going on as their own lives are being turned upside down.

You don’t have to look too far to find plenty of articles in the media telling you how bad their parent’s separation and divorce is for children. Of course, it’s also true that growing up in a deeply unhappy household is bad for kids, too, but there’s not so much research into that. Divorce is a fact of life in our society, it’s not going to go away, and, if we find it happening to us, feeling all the guilt in the world won’t help us, or our kids one jot. Instead, here are a few pieces of advice that you may find challenging, but hopefully will be helpful to bear in mind if you and your children are facing the family disruption of separation and divorce:

Sad not Bad: although one or other of you adults may feel aggrieved and angry that wrong has been done to you, the more blame you heap on each other, the harder it will be for your kids, who want, and need, to find a way of still loving both their parents rather than being forced to choose between them. If anger and resentment fill you up, try telling it to a trusted friend, or a counsellor, rather than damning your spouse or partner in front of your kids. Children are inevitably caught in the middle when parents separate; it doesn’t help if the parents then engage in a tug of war to try and pull the kids over onto their side. Remember, in life, sadness (i.e. loss) is ultimately much easier to heal than badness (which carries the additional burdens of guilt or blame).

It is not your kids' fault: You know this; they may not. Kids are kids; they see things from a child’s perspective. If sometimes, as in many families, there are frequent parental rows over the kids’ toys being left everywhere, or their bedrooms being untidy, or fierce parental rows are conducted in front of the kids, it is understandable that the kids may fear that they are the cause of the disharmony between their parents. And, in their desire to see things fixed between you, they may feel an unrealistic sense of responsibility towards you both. Before reaching the point of separation, the adults may well have been trying to work through their relationship problems, perhaps consciously ‘staying together for the sake of the kids.’ But of course the parents are responsible for bringing the kids into being, not the other way around. You need to make it clear to your children; your relationship problems are not their fault, or their responsibility.

It takes time: We live in an age of instant make-over TV programmes in which our gardens, living rooms, even our bodies, are transformed in a moment with the aid of teams of experts armed with lorry-loads of decking and mature shrubs, rolls of  wallpaper, and the right underwear and a stunning new outfit. But there is no shortcut when it comes to a family coping with the separation and divorce of its founder members. You can’t dismantle a family structure and replace it with a new arrangement in a day or few weeks, and expect people to adjust easily and seamlessly to the changes. It may feel, for a while, as if there is only destruction, dismantling and loss, and that the family you both created is broken. It may be broken, but it is not destroyed. It has suffering a severe disruption, and is in the process of being re-arranged, but your family still exists. The re-arrangement will take time to get established and feel safe and reliable. At first you may not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there, and will emerge, in good time. Your children still have two parents. You are divorcing each other; you do not have to divorce your kids too.

Love Can Survive: Yes, even years after separation and divorce there will still be times of sadness, or awkwardness, over who goes where at Christmas or other holidays, or frustrations over gym kit, or homework, being left at Dad’s (or Mum’s) But with goodwill, patience, tolerance, and understanding, a family surviving parental separation and divorce can work, and work well. Kids can learn that pain doesn’t have to be fatal; that disruption and chaos can give way to new order; and that love can survive separation.