Separate Parents at Christmas – A survival guide

How do parents who do not live together or maybe have never lived together, manage their roles as Mummy and Daddy/Mum and Dad over the Festive season?

Here at Relate, we hear stories of how parents put all their conflicts to one side and get together just for Christmas Day so that the children can open their presents and be “a family” for a short time. Sadly this is quite rare – the reality is that a lot of parents find the pretence of being a family “just for Christmas” almost too much to ask.

Wounds can be deep and the painful re-enactment of what was or what might have been is usually avoided if at all possible.

So many variables come into play for couples who have children together and are no longer  a couple – here are just a few:

• Never have lived together – Dad/Mum around but not regularly
• Lived together – now separated
• Lived together – now divorced
• Married and now apart
• Divorced - one partner with new partner
• Divorced – both partners with new partners

Sometimes, the “rules” of who goes where are governed by the influences of extended families – it’s not unusual to hear the words below and  endless versions of these issues: 

• “my parents (children’s grandparents) expect to see the children on Christmas Day, we can’t change that”
• “we have to spend the same amount on my partner’s children so it won’t be much this year”
• “we’ve always done Christmas this way, so we must carry on doing the same thing”
• “you had him/her/them last year, it’s my turn this year”
• “I don’t want to see them over Christmas, it’s too painful”
• “my girlfriend/boyfriend wants us to go skiing, so I won’t be around this year”
• “I want to take the children away for Christmas”

What really helps then to create peace and goodwill? Here are a few ideas that may help:

Think of the children first

It may not be best for them to have Mum and Dad in the same room at Christmas, let alone play “happy families” – so check it out with them if they are old enough and think it through carefully.

Taking it in turns sounds so reasonable, however, children do have preferences and they may always want to have Christmas in one place and celebrate Christmas on another day in their other parent’s home.

Remember that if you are not able to see the children on Christmas day, you may be able to speak with them over the phone.

Whatever happens, try not to let them choose – they won’t be choosing according to their wishes in most cases, but may be choosing on who will be hurt most.

Plans

Make arrangements well in advance, that everyone can get used  and plan around.
Consider any travel arrangements and have some alternatives  up your sleeve – the weather may let you down and best laid plans need to be flexible.

Involve the children where possible and do listen to their worries and concerns.

It might be useful to put yourself in your children’s place when making plans, what will it be like if Mum or Dad are seen to be “on their own” for any part of Christmas

Presents

If the children are old enough to make a Christmas wish list – it’s ideal to share this with the non resident parent.

Try not to compete for who buys the best present – it is so hard to keep this up and children usually see right through it.

Sometimes it helps to check out what they already have.

If something needs loads of batteries or maintenance – think carefully about whether this is reasonable for the resident parent.

Avoid promises that can’t be kept – disappointment is a result of expectations.

This Christmas – some real stories

“This Christmas is the first Christmas since me and my husband have separated and it’s been hard to decide what’s best to do for the children and to be fair to both parents as well.  Both me and my ex are not in new relationships so we decided not to do separate presents as we felt this would be very confusing for the children and also as both our children are very young we felt that the whole concept of Santa would be very confusing, if Santa was leaving present here there and everywhere.  We decided together that dad will stop at home Christmas eve and then we can all get up in the morning and open present together, me and the children will then have Christmas lunch at my parents house as this is what we would have previously done as a family.  Dad will go to his mums for Christmas lunch and then collect the children on Boxing day to spend time with his family. This decision has meant we have had to put our difference to one side, but we both felt that we needed to make Christmas as normal as possible and we felt being in the Children’s home and keeping to the same routine as much as possible was the best decision for the children. I hope it works.”

“Christmas was difficult to consider at the beginning of the separation, but not something I could avoid. I felt inadequate that their father was able to afford luxurious gifts that I couldn’t.   I just had to accept I had a budget and confided with their father to ensure we did not duplicate gifts on our daughter’s list, and we would agree who would buy what on there.”

“I have always wanted my son to spend Christmas with my new wife and our children, but his mother says he never wants to leave her at Christmas – I have tried hard to change this but now I realise that neither of us have a claim on him just because it’s Christmas. We have our “Christmas” with him when he comes to stay in January.”

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