Step parenting - Mountains and Molehills

Good Company

If you or your partner is a step-parent, take heart, for you are in good company. Government figures show that in 2001 about 10% of all dependent children live in a step-family setting, that’s 700,000 families. Of course the range of family circumstances involving step-parents varies enormously: some adults embark upon a step-parenting role with very young infants; others enter the lives of children already well into their teens. Some step-children continue to enjoy positive, active relationships with their non-resident birth-parent; others, sadly, endure strained or even severed relationships with their natural parent. In some cases, of course, the absent birth-parent will have died. The increase in step-parent families in our society is relatively new. In 1974, 90% of all 16 year-olds, were still living with both birth parents. But by 2002, this had dropped to 65%. When couples separate, any dependent offspring tend to live mainly with the mother, and therefore stepfathers make up over 80% of resident step-parents.

Popular culture often encourages us to think of step-parenting as invariably problematic, so much so you might get the impression it is doomed to failure!  Traditional Fairly Tales, like Cinderella, Snow White, Hansel & Gretel, rely upon the character of the ‘wicked stepmother’ (whose meanness to her new charges borders on cruelty) to epitomise evil, in contrast to the children’s absent, or dead, ‘real’ mother, who is portrayed as innocent and good. These myths and stereotypes divide parenting into two opposing camps: wholly good or wholly bad. Such splitting is not only unhelpful, but also misleading and unrealistic. In real life there are plentiful personal experiences of step-parent kindness, tolerance and understanding but these won’t make headline news, nor do they offer a sufficiently dramatic plot for a modern fairy tale.

Challenges and Opportunities

Just as there are certain difficulties and challenges involved in parenting one’s own birth children, there are bound to be challenges for strangers in entering the lives of other people’s children and taking on the role of stepparent. The kids have to get used to the reality of having a step-parent, as does the resident, and non-resident, parent, who must learn to share their parenting responsibilities with another adult who might appear to be encroaching on their territory, or even taking their place. Some step-parents will have had kids of their own and will know the ropes, others will be new to the skills and challenges involved in parenting. We can view such difficulties as burdens and obstacles that stack the odds against us; or as positive opportunities for learning, growth, and perhaps even enable some healing of old wounds. On our other pages we shall try to highlight some of the main themes and issues for step-parents, and we’ll offer some ideas to aid your own thinking about these issues.

Visit our YouTube channel to see the McIntyre family.

Click here for our article on Step-parenting struggles and dilemmas