Step-Parenting - Struggles & Dilemmas

What's in a last name?

One of the first challenges for the adults is deciding what names to use in the new relationships, e.g. my kids, your kids, our kids? Or maybe just duck the whole issue and refer to them as the kids! And how should the kids refer to you? My real Dad? Natural Dad? Birth Mum? Stepmum? Mum’s new partner? Or leave the ‘step-’ bit out altogether and call him or her by their first name? There are no clear-cut rules or blueprints for this, just as with natural parents, different families kids use various names, e.g. Mummy/Mum/Mother/Ma, and some even use first names. But names are powerful; they carry meaning and are worth thinking about and talking over. Where step-parents enter the step-kids’ lives when they are infants, and where they natural parent is no longer in contact, it may be that the step-parent comes to be called simply ‘Mum’ or ‘Dad’. Perhaps the best rule is the rule of thumb… if whatever name is proposed doesn’t feel right, either to you, your partner, or the kids, then it probably isn’t right. That said, whatever names and titles you opt for will probably take a little time to get established and feel normal, so try to make allowances for some slips of the tongue, especially in the early days.

History/Talking about the Past

Individuals, groups, and even whole societies, identify themselves in part at least, by their history, by where they’re from and what’s happened to them, over time. When you are a new employee in a company, it can make you feel out of things if your colleagues keep going on about things that happened there before your time. Mostly, it is necessary, but occasionally it can be a way of putting the newcomer in their place! So too, when a newcomer keeps going on about the job they’ve just left, and how they did things there, it can feel to their colleagues as if they don’t really want to be here with you.

When a revolution of change hits a country, the new regime often tries to blot out the past entirely and re-write the history books, in its desire to make itself more secure. It never works; it just pushes it all the feelings and memories underground.

Well, it’s much the same with families: it takes time for the past to fade, and for it to find a comfortable place in people’s lives; and time too, for the new and fragile present to put down roots and develop its own sense of identity and history. Most families develop their own ways of doing things, especially rituals around festivals such as Christmas, birthdays, etc. It isn’t easy to fit with another family’s routine, or to have to jettison your own long-cherished ways of doing things. As with most things in life, some measure of compromise is probably the wisest bet. It may help to remember that the present is the present, it is here and now, and that is its honour; therefore perhaps it can afford to be a little generous towards the past.

Rivalry & Comparisons.

This is a minefield, so respect the territory and tread carefully. Stepparents and non-resident birth parents don’t have to be rivals, but if they, or circumstances, make it so, it soon turns into a game of winners and losers, and that isn’t good for anyone as it breeds resentment and conflict. Whether adults or children, we can’t help drawing comparisons; it’s human nature and part of how we try to make sense of what is happening to us. The danger in rivalrous comparisons is of splitting the past and present into all bad, or all good. In the first McIntyre Family video scene, “It’s Not The Same” Maddie was trying so hard to stress all the positives of the new house move and her new partner Steve joining their family unit, that it was hard for her to hear the kids sense of loss and upheaval. It was left to the youngest family member whose cry from the heart voiced the pain of upheaval.

A step-dad, who is divorced and no longer living with his own birth children, may find himself comparing how much easier, or more difficult, he finds the role of step-dad now, compared with his time as resident birth-dad in the past. It may be helpful for him to explore why it feels easier, or harder, now? Like Steve, in the early McIntyre family video scenes, is he holding back too much of his love, care, or authority because he is unsure of himself, or perhaps fearful of being hurt again, or repeating the mistakes of the past; or is he simply trying too hard to make the present situation work perfectly? Or are the stakes somehow not as high as in the past? Does the step-dad foist fewer expectations onto his stepchildren, and therefore find it easier to accept them as they are?

Comparisons (between parents/step-parents, as between children/step-children) can sharpen feelings of disappointment and loss; but can also enable healing of past wounds, and lead to positive new discoveries, about oneself and relationships between the generations. Just as step-parenting can present challenges and difficulties, it is also a ‘second chance’ for all concerned, perhaps to learn that adults can, after all, be trusted, or that having kids around can indeed be fun.

Boundaries - how long is a bit of string?

All families need boundaries, and they need to change and adjust over time, according to the circumstances, age, and needs of the members. Sometimes those boundaries need to be tighter, stricter, so we all know where we are and what goes and what doesn’t. But if they are too tight, too rigid, there is no room to breathe or be oneself, and that can lead to resentment and bust-ups. Although painful, sometimes the conflict is necessary to enable the fundamental issues and feelings of adults and children to be expressed aloud, like in the McIntyre Family video scene, “You’re not My Dad.”

Boundaries are the stated (and sometimes unstated) rules necessary to ensure our security and safety, and to enable opportunities for intimacy and privacy. In families it is usually the adults’ job to set and establish healthy boundaries, although with older children these can often be done by negotiation. Once established, boundaries are best maintained by mutual respect and appreciation as much as by rules and discipline. It is helpful to recognise that the very act of coming into an existing family unit as a new partner/stepparent, will often be experienced by some other members as an intrusion, as a breaking of boundaries, and a nose or two may well feel pushed out of joint, as aspects of former roles or territory is conceded.  Boundary changes, even when for the best, will often feel strange at first. In the video scene, “We’re All Worried About You” Steve wrestled uncomfortably at the school parents’ evening as he stepped into the void left by the kids’ birth father. We need to be tolerant with each other; it takes time to adjust to boundary changes.

There is no single blueprint for boundaries in families; all families are different, and those differences will have benefits and losses. But if the losses feel too great for any one member then maybe the issue of boundaries needs looking at, and perhaps firming up, or slackening off, a little. There are bound to be differences of opinion between children and adults, and, at times between the adults. over how children should be treated. Perhaps the key boundary in any family where there are two resident adult carers is the relationship between those two adults. In general, the more united the resident adult partners are, the more secure the children will be (even if, they won’t always like it!) The kids can feel more relaxed, not have to worry so much, or feel overly responsible for their resident birth parent.

Divided Loyalties

Are a feature of all families, as the pulls of children, spouses, in-laws, parents, friends, work, housework, garden, gym, hobbies, etc all exert demands upon our time. Throw in a step-parent whose own birth children may live elsewhere, and you can expect even more occasions producing divided loyalties.

We deal better with divided loyalties when we see them as natural and understandable, evidence of the complexity and responsibilities of our relationships rather than a singular betrayal or lack of commitment to ourselves. If we fear we are not valued enough and shall always end up being rejected, we may interpret (or even contrive) situations as tests to prove that our fears are justified. If we believe that unless we are always put first then we are not really loved at all, then every request to our loved one becomes loaded as a test of that love. ‘If you really loved me… you’d do X, Y Z for me’ It is the small child in us that makes us react like this, conditional love at its meanest and most controlling. Remember, needs are greedy, love is generous. Few things in life have to be all or nothing, and ultimatums rarely make for mutually respectful, mature relationships.

In the final McIntyre Family video scene: “We’ve Got Something To Tell You” even though Richie has come a long way in accepting his mother’s growing relationship with Steve, evidenced by his agreement to walk her up the aisle, and his own growing affection for Steve helped by their fishing trips together, it is Richie above all who feels the pain of the final cut of his mother’s tie to his father via the probable jettisoning of his father’s name. In real life, just as in fiction, the struggles go on into the future; imagine Richie’s graduation, or his sister, Chloe’s wedding, with step-dad and birth-dad, both in attendance, and in the photographs! The hope is that we get better at handling these situations, and via tolerance, sensitivity, imagination and creativity, use such situations as opportunities to enable growth and healing.

Visit our YouTube channel to see the McIntyre family.