Lets Talk About Sex (and Relationships)

In this section:

• Forget the big speech 
• Is there a right time? 
• What do I say?
• Who and what can help?

Forget the big speech:

Try to bring it into normal conversation. Young people, especially teenagers may be embarrassed at the very idea that their parents even kiss - let alone have sex!
Don't be shy about talking about sex. Don't be tempted to say 'ask your mum/dad/teacher/friend' when they ask a tricky question about sex or relationships. If they have asked you it is because they have chosen you as the person they most want to talk about sex with. See our hints section, 'what do I say?' for making this a conversation rather than a lecture!

Is there a right time?

Younger children may want to just ask some very basic questions. Answer these and don't feel the need to go any further. Try not to lie as you may get into deep water later when they realise babies don't arrive from the stork or belly button. There are also plenty of great books around for younger children on the biological facts of life which you can read together.

For teenagers, try to include intimacy and sex as part of adult relationships not as something separate. Talk about what they think is important in a relationship. Ask what qualities are important to them and why. Talk about trust, commitment, having things in common and being close. Find out what assumptions and expectations they have about relationships.

Try not to be judgmental, differences are ok. We cannot “teach” our children about relationships but we can get them to think that they have a choice and what they think is important.

When our children see and hear how we act in our own relationship they do “learn” how to behave in their own.

What do I say?

Get your facts right!! Do your own research. Things have changed - whether you like it or not! Look at our links page to update you on some of the issues young people face today.

Young people may appear to be quite switched on where sex is concerned - but don't be fooled! In our experience, this doesn't necessarily mean they have an understanding of relationships.

Feelings around first relationships may be incredibly intense and overwhelming at times. Don't be surprised when your distraught and dumped teenager doesn't respond to 'plenty more fish in the sea'! At other times you may find it difficult to keep up with this week’s 'love-of-a-lifetime'. Just listen and try to understand, you may not be able to make it all ok but we can be a friendly listening ear.

Challenge the stuff they see on the telly! East Enders and Casualty may be great drama but do you really want your kids thinking that is what all relationships are about?

The media can provide a good start for a discussion though; how does this compare to your family? What’s the same? What’s different? Talk through how the characters could do things differently? What would they do if they were in that situation?

Find out about school - from year 9, or earlier, most young people receive 'PSHE' or Personal, Sexual, Health Education as part of the school curriculum. Their school can tell you more about what topics are likely to be covered and when. It may include topics on sexual health, contraception and relationships. In fact Relate delivers relationship education to many schools across the UK. This can be a great time to 'fill in the gaps'. Ask what they have learnt and what else they would like to know. 

Who and what can help?

Your own family background and relationships may affect how comfortable you feel talking about sex with your kids. What would you have wanted? How has your own experience affected your attitudes to sex and relationships? Talk this through with your partner or someone you trust.

Talk to other parents - you can often pick up handy hints and tips from other parents, especially if they have older children. Look at the families you admire and respect and find out how they approached talking about sex and relationships.

You can be a good role model! Easier said than done - but remember what your kids see at home is what they will learn about relationships.

Of course this doesn't mean you have to be perfect, but you can show them some of the basics like talking things through, showing respect, valuing each other and don't be afraid to show affection! If you are parenting on your own you can still show this with close friends and family relationships.